The Bitch Is Back (Hallelujah)

Part of my New Year’s Resolution is not to be an asshole. So, let me apologize to those who messaged me through Instagram, text, or email, for not responding when you did. I truly appreciate the check-ins and am glad to be part of a community that cares. Even though I’m nameless, faceless, and formless to many.

In most cases, I failed to answer because I hadn’t opened Instagram for almost a year. In other cases, some of you sent an email using my contact page. And, because of my carelessness (also a New Year’s Resolution), I didn’t set it up so that my real-life email would get a notification every time someone contacted me with the form.

Some of you who knew my number texted me. I read them, but I didn’t text back because of two words: major depression.

Actually, major depression was a major (pun intended) contributing factor to me not opening Instagram since my last post in late May 2024, thus missing all your messages.

I’ve written about how doing doll stuff kept me going. But this one became so bad that I didn’t even want to get off the bed. One time, I successfully forced myself to go grocery shopping (my fridge was empty), and I stood in front of the produce section, picking up a spinach bunch before putting it back and picking it up again and putting it back again. I went home and sat in the car in silence for thirty minutes.

When I found out my work was accepted to the Los Angeles Kinky Art Show in November last year, I thought I should announce it on Instagram, X, Mastodon, or Bsky. But I decided not to, because, well, it was the same piece that got into the Seattle Erotic Art Festival.

Apart from depression that stemmed from being practically politically homeless since October 7, 2023, there have also been other factors, some more pragmatic than others.

To start, the paint on the nose of my Chrissy head chipped. It was already bad because he kept falling when I did a photoshoot in Seattle. It became worse after the carwash shoot. And not being artistically-inclined in terms of repainting dolls, I wasn’t able to fix it. I dipped into my bank of original Chris Redfield heads, took another one, and began the tedious process of cutting off the sculpted hair.

And when I accidentally cut off part of the ear, I gave up. This was in June 2024.

At around the same time, I lost my Pinterest account because of “policy violation.” I knew I shouldn’t put too many porn-adjacent images there. I only had one follower on Pinterest, but so many eyeballs. And the traffic Pinterest brought to dollsexposed.com was also sizeable.

There was also the health scare. In July 2024, I was diagnosed with prediabetes and a potential loss of kidney function. So, I changed my diet. I went on intermittent fasting and high-protein/low-carb, restarted my workout routine, and made sure to drink at least 3000 ml of water per day. And… they worked. I gained muscle mass and lost an inch off my waist in six months. When I did another follow-up medical checkup in December, my numbers were better. My kidney function was back to normal and I’m now a fraction away from having normal glucose levels.

And then, of course, the presidential election happened. And we all know how that went (not great). Actually, it was the US Presidential Election and the Indonesian general Election, both of which generated very, very unfavorable results.

In the case of the Indonesian one, it was already bad from the start because of how flawed both candidates were. I’m not talking about flawed as in “Hillary vs. Donald” flawed. (We truly blew our chance with that one, just so you know.) I’m talking about shit vs. feces bad.

But major depression exacerbates my issue with time management and I’ve found it difficult to efficiently divide my time among work, exercise, doll stuff, and the myriad of mundane stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills (aka living). I had to sacrifice something, and so I cut out the doll stuff.

Then 2025 rolled in. My mental health was getting better. My pecs were popping, my biceps were growing, and my waistline was shrinking. When my boyfriend and I went to Mexico in September 2024, he became our translator because he speaks Spanish as a second language. He inspired me to enroll in French class because at one point in life, I spoke French quite fluently.

The result of the US election reminded me life was too short to be hiding one’s fabulosity, so I started dressing up and wearing layers of jewelry when I went out, returning to my Iris Apfel, maximalist days. I felt I was ready to return to doll photography. Maybe even have something ready for an art show or two.

But nature said no, and thanks to the combination of Santa Ana winds and climate emergency, Los Angeles was engulfed in flames on January 7, and I had to evacuate. I got out of my apartment in the goggles and gas mask I wear whenever I work with spray paint, Mr. Superclear, or anything that generates fine debris.

I was one of the fortunate ones. There are homes and buildings not two blocks away that were completely destroyed, including The Bunny Museum that my sister and I visited almost exactly a year before it burnt down. (The bunnies and cats were evacuated in time.)

When it was safe to return two weeks later, I cleaned up my apartment, bought two air purifiers and an air quality measurer, and gathered all the strength I could muster to resume life as normal as possible.

On the last day of February 2025, after a month of prepping, sewing, purchasing, and spraying, I took my first doll photos since May 12, 2024 for “Aubrey’s Red Roses” post.

How did it feel? It felt great. Reinvigorating. Victorious. It’s taking control of something I have control over and not getting bogged down over fussing over something I can’t control.

And so, I present to you: Chrissy 4.0. He may be the penultimate before the Dollsexposed’s journey comes to a close, but we’ll cross that bridge when we cross that bridge.

Mesh turtle neck top, short shorts, beaded bracelets, spike bracelet, necklace, lips sling bag, star pink shoulder bag, bag charms, throw rug, books, coffee table, and area rug: Dollsexposed.

Earring, pink metal bracelet, acrylic bracelet, gold bracelet: Nordstrom.

Sofa: Jonathan Adler for Barbie.

Silver cat statue: Monopoly.

Glasses, gold cat statue: model’s own.

Sneakers: Skechers “Twinkle Toes” by Zuru Mini Brands.