Matt’s Aftermath

Matt leans against the plywood locker room door of Gar’s Gym and presses his forehead on his hand, but he can’t stop the noises, a jumble of voices and images of Chrissy, from flashing in his mind. Each one asserts itself for a split second, shrieks, and then leaves, right before the other one takes its place. They’re so much worse now that Valentine’s Day is coming, the first one he’ll spend without Chrissy, after six years.

The day Chrissy left half a year ago, Matt hadn’t understood the gravity of the situation. For a while, he buried himself in work at BILT, his eco-friendly construction company, thinking he could build over the emptiness. But less than a week later, Brandon, his partner, came into his office, screams that the company was getting review-bombed.

That was when Matt saw the video of Chrissy inside Takeshi’s Lick It ice cream shop. Some people had traced Chrissy to Matt, then to BILT. Brandon called the lawyer, and demanded they put out a statement blaming Chrissy.

Even in regular circumstances, Matt doesn’t handle conflicts too well. He was raised in a stereotypical farming family, where men were supposed to be emotionless. Even after moving out and being in relationships, he still has issues communicating and managing his emotions.

But Matt quickly vetoed Brandon’s angle. Matt absolutely didn’t want Chrissy blamed. Not now, not ever. Brandon relented. They went through dozens of drafts before settling on something vague but enough to defend the company.

The night before the statement went out, Matt tried contacting Chrissy through every possible channel. He wanted to apologize, to prepare him, to soften the blow. But there was no answer.

The statement was posted, comments disabled, zero-star reviews deleted. None of it was able to extract Matt from his depression, from the noises of memories polluting his mind.

“Hey, you okay?” Gar puts his hand on Matt’s shoulder. The noises vanish.

Matt just stares at Gar, unable to speak. He didn’t even see Gar or hear him walking into the locker room.

“Chrissy?” Gar says.

Matt nods. “It’s been six months, and I still…” He can’t seem to complete his sentence.

“I know, big guy, I know… You wanna talk about what happened that day?”

Matt considers his response. He knows Gar loves him, but at the same time, Gar already warned him numerous times about Aubrey. Matt can’t let Gar know that Aubrey was at his home again. And that Chrissy saw Aubrey there, and that was the last straw.

So, Matt just shakes his head no.

“Okay. I’ll be here when you’re ready.” Gar says. “But I’m gonna go in and give you a hug anyway.”

Matt shuts his eyes. The noises of the memories swarm again. He wants to cry. He wants not to be ashamed to be consoled by another man. It’s usually Chrissy who consoles him. It took years before he could finally open up to Chrissy, to cry in Chrissy’s arms.

So, Matt just stands there and returns Gar’s hug.

“Hey, tell you what,” Gar says. “Let’s go out after this, yeah? Shoot the breeze? Like old times? I just have one more client. One hour tops.”

“I…” Matt sighs.

“Why don’t you get on the treadmill? You don’t even have to run if you don’t feel like it. Go for a power walk. Then take a shower, and we can go.”

“Yeah. Yeah, OK. That actually sounds good. Thanks, man.”

“Never a problem,” Gar squeezes Matt’s shoulder. “You’ve always been there for me.”

“We’ve always been there for each other,” Matt forces a smile.

“OK, hang tight, see you in a bit,” Gar says and walks out of the locker room.

Matt sits on the bench. He scrolls through his phone. The workload has been gradually getting lighter. The new supervisor his construction company hired has taken over some of the work, helping Matt and Brandon.

Months ago, Matt wished someone could help him so he wouldn’t be drowning in work. Now, he wishes he could go back to work. If it weren’t for the cats, he wouldn’t want to go home, where it’s quiet, where the noises win all the time.

But there’s no ping, no buzz, no email, no text. He wants to text Chrissy, but Chrissy has told him not to, that they’re done, and that he’s moving on. He called Wade many times but he kept getting busy tones. Chrissy did say Wade had blocked their numbers. Matt just wants to know if Chrissy’s with Wade, if Chrissy’s safe. He wonders if he should drive to Wade’s ranch.

Chrissy’s face, Chrissy’s voice, Chrissy’s hugs, Chrissy’s body, Chrissy’s kisses jumble in Matt’s head, scrambling his mind, intermingling with their fights and the day Chrissy walked out.

He’s about to text Wade to tell him his plans when Matt feels a tap on his shoulder.

“Hey, stud. Remember me?”

The noises vanish. It’s Nico, smiling at Matt. “Long time.”

“Oh, hey…” Matt says.

Nico chuckles. “Hi.” He sits next to Matt on the bench. “What’s up?”

Matt sighs. Nico’s practically a stranger. He doesn’t want to unload his problems onto this person. It wouldn’t be fair for him.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Nico says. “Let me guess, guy problem?”

Matt shakes his head. “Not really.” Technically, Chrissy’s not “a guy.” He’s so much more than that.

“It definitely is, isn’t it?” Nico puts his hand on Matt’s knee. “You know, I was about to go change, but today’s leg day and I’d rather take you out right now.”

Matt feels his body tense. “Oh, I don’t… I already promised my friend…”

“How’s burger sound? I know a place.”

Matt’s stomach growls. Did he really go to the gym without eating? And about that, when was the last time he ate today?

“My treat,” Nico says.

Matt smiles. Probably his first sincere smile ever since Chrissy left him. Maybe talking to a stranger would be better than talking to a best friend. Less judgment? Maybe that stranger would even sympathize with him more?

“Come on,” Nico says and stands up.

Matt grabs his duffel bag and follows the younger guy out of the locker room. Inside the main gym, he sees Gar training a client. He’ll just text Gar later. He’s sure Gar will understand.

The burger joint smells like greasy goodness. the kind of place where you can hear the exhaust fan hum and the kitchen staff ribbing each other in the back. It’s not that busy and the hostess tells them to sit anywhere. The scent of garlic and onions and fries fills his nostrils. His stomach grumbles again.

During the walk here, Nico stayed quiet and Matt’s mind wandered to Chrissy. The noises intruded from time to time, but there was another noise: Matt was unsure what to say to the younger man, or even who the younger man really was.

They slide into a booth.

“Okay,” Nico says, flipping the menu open. “We’re getting real food. No kale, no tofu, none of that veggie burger bullshit.”

Matt smiles faintly. He misses seeing Chrissy chow down a veggie burger across from him. “What has salad ever done to you?”

“Please. Half this city treats quinoa like it’s religion.” Nico leans back, studying him. “You don’t look like the type.”

“Type?”

“The kind who survives on juice cleanses and oat milk.”

“I eat whatever I cook,” Matt says. “Used to cook a lot, actually.” He misses cooking for Chrissy. The way Chrissy would pinch and pat his own cheeks whenever he tastes Matt’s food. It always made him smile.

Nico smirks. “Used to?”

The image of Chrissy vanishes. Matt hesitates. “Haven’t really had a reason lately.”

Nico studies him for a beat. “That’s a hell of a thing to say a few weeks before VD.”

“VD?”

“Valentine’s Day.” Nico sticks his tongue out. “Even saying it in full makes me gag.”

Matt looks away. He proposed to Chrissy on Valentine’s Day six years ago. He can’t help but smile when he remembers how happy Chrissy was, and how happy Chrissy made him feel. The years felt like cakewalk.

Nico softens his tone, just a little. “Not judging. Just saying… nobody should be alone with takeout on a capitalist holiday designed to make you buy stuff so you can feel just a teensy bit less shitty.”

Matt doesn’t respond. He doesn’t know what to say. Nico is still a complete stranger. He doesn’t need to know how much Valentine’s means to Matt.

The waitress drops off their water. Matt orders a double cheeseburger. Saying the words feels strange. indulgent, maybe even disloyal. He can’t remember the last time he ordered meat at a restaurant. Chrissy never said he couldn’t eat meat in front of him, but Matt got used to having vegetarian food with Chrissy.

Nico orders the same. “But add jumbo fries and a mango milkshake.”

“Wow,” Matt says. “Someone’s hungry.”

“Starving.” Nico raises his glass of water. “To bad choices.”

Nico’s words cut his heart, but Matt lifts his glass anyway. “Sure.”

Nico takes a sip and puts his glass down. “So, construction guy, right?”

Matt blinks. “How… How did you guess?”

“You look like you could build a house with your bare hands.”

Matt nods. “Something like that.” He met Chrissy for the first time at his construction site. Chrissy was jogging shirtless wearing a skimpy pair of red short shorts. It didn’t help that red is Matt’s favorite color.

“Bet whoever you cooked for was lucky,” Nico says.

Matt looks up. “What made you say that?”

“Just a guess. You’ve got that caretaker thing.” Nico grins. “The kind that picks the onions out of someone’s fries because they ‘don’t like texture.'”

Matt laughs softly. “That’s… weirdly specific.” But not too far off. He’d do anything for Chrissy. But clearly he failed that day Chrissy caught him in bed with a naked Aubrey.

The waitress returned with Nico’s milkshake. Matt chuckles when Nico lets out a glee and takes a sip from the tall glass. It’s almost as cute as Chrissy’s cheek pinch-and-pat.

“Ugh, so good. Let me guess, he’s vegetarian?”

Matt blinks. “How…”

“Two for two. Damn, I’m good.” Nico waves his hand. “You’ve got patience. People who date vegetarians have patience.”

“Yeah. He didn’t mind me eating meat, though.”

“Cool beans. Want some milkshake?”

Matt shakes his head. “Thanks.”

“Where’s that accent from? Texas?”

“No, uh… South Dakota.”

Nico grins. The kind of grin that sends a jolt of electricity to Matt. When Nico takes his glasses off, Matt notices a faint trace of scar on Nico’s cheek.

“What… What happened there?” Matt says, touching his own cheek. “I mean, you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”

“Parkour accident. Cracked my face on a ledge. Taught me I’m not invincible.” Nico smirks.

“You do parkour?”

“Yeah. Thanks to this, I no longer get acting gigs. But also, thanks to parkour, and dance, and martial arts, I get to do the next best thing: being a stuntman.”

“Whoa… I’ve… I’ve never really met anyone in the biz. Not even after decades of living in Los Angeles. I mean, construction clients, sure, but not in this context. ” Matt says. He remembers Anaïs, who owns a modelling agency, but she’s more of Chrissy’s friend.

“What context?” Nico says, licking the milkshake straw seductively.

Matt chuckles. “Bet it’s fun being a stuntman? Adrenaline rush and all that.”

“Yep. I like it. Pays the bill. I get to meet some big names, travel a little.”

“Is that why I didn’t see you for months at the gym?”

Nico nods. “New Zealand. Gorgeous, yeah, but total ass end of the earth, even when they put me in business class. Did stunt work for some bigshot who freaks out on ladders and can’t remember basic fight choreography. Can’t tell you who, though. NDA. At least till the series comes out.”

The waitress comes with two double cheeseburgers and a heaping helping of fries. Matt grins when Nico claps his hands like a kid and stuffs a handful of fries into his mouth.

Nico takes a huge bite of his cheeseburger. “Oh, fuck me. Now that’s a goddamn cheeseburger.”

Matt nods his head as he chews his. “Can’t believe I’ve never actually been here.”

“So what kind of stuff do you watch?” Nico asks. “Let me guess: Bob’s Burgers.”

Matt’s eyes widen. “Holy shit. You a psychic or am I that easy to read?”

“You’ve got the dad-joke energy and that despair that can only come from being in a relationship with a Linda.”

Matt smiles and shakes his head. Chrissy’s actually more like Marshmallow. Eclectic, non-conforming. Super sexy. But Nico doesn’t need to know that. “You’re something else.”

“Thanks,” Nico says. He dips a few fries into his mango milkshake before eating them.

“That’s… a choice,” Matt says.

“Best of both worlds, baby. The saltiness of the fries and the sweetness of the milkshake.”

Matt laughs. Then catches himself. The laughter feels like a betrayal.

Nico leans forward. “Listen: whoever hurt you, they must’ve had no idea what they had.”

Matt looks up from his burger, startled. “You don’t know that.”

Nico shrugs. “I don’t need to. I can tell when someone’s been taken for granted.”

For a moment, neither speaks. Outside, a siren wails faintly. Matt finishes his burger and wipes his hands, suddenly aware of how full he feels.

Nico gulps down the last bite of his burger and burps audibly. “Thank you, Lord Satan.”

Matt chuckles and shakes his head. “You’re so weird.”

“You have no idea.” Nico sips his milkshake.

“And a smartass.”

“With a tight ass, as you have experienced.”

Matt smiles. He’s suddenly transported to the day he fucked Nico in the locker room of Gar’s Gym. “Can’t argue with that.”

“Good,” Nico says. “I’ll drink to that.”

When they step outside, the night air smells like rain. “Fuck, it’s so chilly.” Nico rubs his hands together.

“Here,” Matt says and gives his jacket to Nico. “Gimme your bag.”

“But… You’re the one with the tank top.”

“You look like you need it more than I do. Besides, you bought me dinner.” Matt watches as Nico puts his jacket on. “I had a good time.”

“I did too,” Nico says. “Thank you.”

Matt’s phone buzzes. It’s Gar, texting to see if he was okay.

“Needed a rain check,” Matt types. “Can we reschedule? Tomorrow night?”

“Sounds good!” Gar texts back. “Sven’s closing tomorrow so we can get dinner.”

“Everything all right?” Nico says.

Matt knows it’s deeper, more personal than when the grocery clerk asks how he’s doing, but the answer’s just the same. “Yeah. It’s fine.” He sends a thumbs up to Gar’s text.

“Hey, whatever happened to you, you still deserve good things.” Nico squeezes Matt’s arm.

“I don’t know about that. It feels… Unearned somehow.”

“You’ve got that look, like you’ve been holding your breath for too long.”

Matt exhales slowly. He feels a flicker of warmth, the kind of warmth that used to fill him whenever he was with Chrissy: the way his chest used to ache when Chrissy walked in the room, the laughter that wasn’t quite this, the softness of Chrissy’s hand against his. Then a flash of cold as he remembers Aubrey and that moment in the apartment, a mistake that unleashed hell on his earth.

“I…” Matt’s eyes drop to Nico’s hand, still on his arm. His earlier words echo in Matt’s mind, soft and steady: You deserve good things.

Matt swallows. Valentine’s Day. Chrissy saying yes when Matt proposed. Matt’s chest tightens. Chrissy’s happy face. Chrissy patting and pinching his cheeks after tasting Matt’s cooking. Valentine’s Day. Shut up. You deserve good things. Chrissy’s happy giggles. Valentine’s Day. Please shut up. Chrissy catching him with Aubrey. Matt can feel his heart pounding. Chrissy’s kisses. Chrissy’s orgasms. You deserve good things. Valentine’s Day. Matt wants to scream, to drown these noises. Chrissy telling him, “I love you.” Valentine’s Day. Chrissy crying. You deserve good things. Chrissy leaving him. Shut up shut up shut up.

Matt leans in. His strong, muscular arms sweep the younger, smaller guy closer to him and presses his lips against his.

Nico’s wiry body stiffens at first, but Matt can feel Nico relax almost instantaneously, his hands sliding up to Matt’s neck.

Matt can hear the hum of the orange streetlight. The noises have stopped.

“I… I’m sorry.” Matt breaks of the kiss, but Nico grabs the back of Matt’s head and kisses him back.

Matt closes his eyes. Nico’s lips feel good against his.

“Take me home?” Nico says as they finally break off the kiss.

Matt nods, pressing a hand to Nico’s side. Nothing can replace Chrissy, not yet. But at least, for the moment, the noises are gone.